Michael Jackson, middle-ager

“March 22, 2005— Michael Jackson's doctor has assured the judge presiding over his child molestation trial that "The King of Pop" is suffering from a physical, not a mental, problem, and that despite his back problems and the revelation that he is on prescribed pain medication, the singer is able to concentrate and participate in his trial, sources told ABC News.”

You know, I can relate to Michael Jackson.

You see, he’s 46, a year older than myself. And I know how the old back can act up after years of feeling invincible.

And, sad to say, age starts showing up in other areas, too. For instance, contact lenses are pretty much out of the question nowadays. I would have to put on reading glasses to see anything closer than two feet.

Not only that, but my face has enough wrinkles that if an astronomer saw a photograph of it, he might excitedly mistake it for conclusive proof of water erosion on the surface of Mars.

Yep, maybe Michael and I aren’t so different.

Of course, I never paid plastic surgeons to take my natural nose and turn it into . . . well, how would YOU describe Jacko’s schnozz?

And there’s that skin-bleaching thing. I used to be really self-conscious about my lily-white April complexion when I would first start running around in shorts each year. I was eager to get a bit of tan to take some of the shine off (Of course, being 45, I don’t give a rip ANYMORE!). So I just can’t relate to any middle-aged physical problems that might arise due to THAT particular procedure.

So, here’s to growing old, the one common denominator shared by all. Everyone does it, from bald-headed columnists to artificially-enhanced pop stars under criminal investigation.