North Koreans: Soccer Hooligans?

“North Korean soldiers and riot police had to step in after violence erupted when the home side lost a World Cup qualifying match to Iran, say reports. Bottles, stones and chairs were thrown on to the pitch in Pyongyang after a North Korean player was sent off.”

Okay, North Korea, now you’ve gone TOO FAR!

I mean, you have arguably the most repressive Marxist society on the earth, responsible for human rights violations, widespread poverty, and environmental desecration. You insist on pursuing the development of nuclear arms, and a certified ninny runs your country.

Now, you dare to threaten the longtime British dominance in soccer hooliganism?

The Brits take a lot of pride in the fact that they have more soccer riots than any other nation. That’s a sign that they take their beloved sport seriously! Riots over losses are impressive events, equaled only by riots over victories.

And it’s not just the QUANTITY of the riots, it’s the QUALITY!

History shows that football matches between British communities in medieval times were, according to the Social Issues Research Centre of Oxford, “essentially pitched battles between the young men of rival villages and towns - often used as opportunities to settle old feuds, personal arguments and land disputes.”

So soccer riots are as natural to the Brits as booster abuse at major American colleges. Ask any SEC football fan!

So, North Korea, we may ignore the way you shut out UN inspectors determining the status of your nuclear program. We may look the other way when we hear about your shenanigans along the DMZ. We may tolerate your claims of nuclear capability. We may even ignore your unstable doofus of a leader.

But DON’T try to become soccer hooligans! NOW, you’re getting PERSONAL!

Lisa Marie Defines Her Marriage to Jacko as "Real"

In a recent interview, Lisa Marie Presley told Oprah Winfrey that her two-year marriage to Michael Jackson was “real.”

Oy.

No offense, Lisa Marie, but are you really qualified to define reality?

It wasn’t your fault that your parents happened to be Elvis and Priscilla Presley. However, such an ancestry severely limits ones concept of what constitutes reality.

Elvis is arguably one of the most talented musicians ever to arise from the US gene pool. He is nearly as renowned for the placing of his life into the hands of professional exploiter "Colonel" Tom Parker. Parker defined Elvis’s post-50’s career as one bad b-movie after another, followed by a series of Vegas bookings that turned America’s premier rock-and-roller into a bizarre and much-imitated caricature of himself. Oh, and the Colonel kept the prescription drugs flowing, too. Unfortunately for Mr. Parker, his cash cow expired prematurely, although his take of the posthumous earnings remained quite healthy.

Then, there’s Priscilla.

Priscilla is one of the most familiar faces that you’ve ever seen on TV and in the magazines, because of her renowned gift for . . . what?

Shades of Ed McMahon! She is famous because of her association with a gifted individual, while apparently having little or no talent herself.

So, with a bloodline like that, it’s not surprising that Lisa Marie would define her marriage to Michael Jackson as “real.”

Matrimony with America’s most whacked-out celebrity (quite a title, when you think about it) may well have been one of the more real moments in this poor, confused youngster’s life.

Cluelessness and the RIAA

The Supreme Court is hearing the case of MGM v. Grokster. This case is being pushed by the major Hollywood Studios, as well as the RIAA.

There is only one word to describe the RIAA, and their associated record companies: CLUELESS.

True, these entities, with a little bit of help from a few musicians who have chimed in, have garnered a certain amount of public sympathy about fighting these “evil criminals” who download and share music that is, as a rule, inferior to purchased products.

Yes, the old adage “You get what you pay for” certainly applies to shared music files.

Before you listen to the RIAA’s case that they have made before the media and decide if they are right, here are a few questions to ponder:

(1) Why was no stink raised by the RIAA in the 70’s and 80’s about “borrowing” albums and recording them onto cassettes? Everybody I knew did it.

(2) Did you buy a DAT recorder when they became available worldwide in the late 80’s? No? Did you know the RIAA managed to squash an entire technology before you had a chance to buy it in the US?

(3) In 1985, when CD’s first hit the market, the medium was pricey. Digital recording was likewise extremely expensive. CD’s retailed for around 16 bucks. Twenty years later, the cost for the disk has dropped to pennies, and my kid makes digital recordings in his bedroom. Why are CD’s still retailing for roughly the same price?

After years of fighting online music sales demanded by the public, the RIAA has recently consented to promoting it. I guess the facts of its potential for profitability finally sunk into some extremely thick skulls. Music should be MUCH CHEAPER for ALL in digital format, because it only has to be stored digitally in a few places and made available for download, as opposed to stamping out and distributing hundreds of thousands of CD’s.

Maybe the courts should look into the business dealings of the RIAA. What exactly do they DO, anyway?

Imposters, Past and Present

“NEW YORK (Reuters) -- Many a visitor to New York's Museum of Modern Art has probably thought, "I could do that." A British graffiti artist who goes by the name "Banksy" went one step further, by smuggling in his own picture of a soup can and hanging it on a wall, where it stayed for more than three days earlier this month before anybody noticed.”

What a great concept.

Dire Straits’ “In the Gallery” summed up the difficulties of getting ones’ art into museums. So why not just slip in and hang your own stuff up?

We, as a society, have long been intrigued by pretenders.

George Plimpton’s gritty classic “Paper Lion” made us reconsider our youthful dreams of playing in the NFL.

Frank Abignale Jr.'s life was the plot for 2002’s hit movie Catch me if You Can. A pretend doctor, airline pilot, lawyer, and who can remember what else made us all think “Why couldn’t I pull that off?”

Prior to Abignale, another impostor captured the attention of the world. Stanley Clifford Weyman, born in 1890, was a master impostor who made Abignale look like an amateur.

Among his impostures were:

Ambassador to Morocco
Military attaché from Serbia and US Navy lieutenant (so the identities could use each other as reference)
Consul general for Romania
Lieutenant in the Army Air Corps
Company doctor in Lima, Peru
State Department Naval Liaison Officer
Pola Negri’s personal physician (he frequently held press conferences updating her condition after lover Rudolph Valentino’s funeral)
Journalist for the United Nations

In August 1960, Weyman was killed when he tried to stop a robbery in a New York hotel. He was working as a night porter. He should have stuck with fantasy work.

So here’s to imposters who hold our fascination. Hey! Maybe I could slip a manuscript into the editor’s inbox at the New Yorker!

Abbey Road opens its doors

Occasionally, a performer is great enough to transcend generations.

My mom boogied to Glenn Miller. I likewise blast “In the Mood” like it was Cowgirl in the Sand.

A group that surely stands the test of time in a similar fashion is the Beatles.

Abbey Road Studios, birthplace of most of the Fab Four’s albums, announced this week that it will be opening its doors to the public for the first time in twenty years from now until April 3, holding its own film festival.

As a five-year-old kid, I watched Ed Sullivan with my parents on Sunday night. I still vividly recall the high-pitched female screams when the Beatles appeared. You could barely hear the music.

I became a Beatles fan on the spot, and still get goosebumps when I hear George’s opening riff on “Something.”

Abbey Road has long been a major London tourist attraction, attracting tens of thousands each year. Fans could only swarm the outside (writing their names on the walls) and the familiar crosswalk, as the studio itself was closed to the public.

Now, though, fans can enter the hallowed chambers where some of our most treasured songs were put to tape.

Which brings me to a nagging question: why haven’t we had another power pop group since the Beatles?

I can recall some disposable entities in the mid-to-late 70’s that were supposed to be “The Next Beatles.” Anybody remember the Bay City Rollers? The Knack? Klaatu?

The fact is that power pop lived and died with the former Quarrymen.

The only comparison I can draw is in the sport of billiards, with three-cushion champion Willie Hoppe. Hoppe dominated the sport of balkline, once one of the most popular games played with a cuestick, for nearly fifty years. When he retired in 1952, the sport retired with him.

Obviously, then, there will never be another Beatles. Their entire genre is gone.

GM to drop another brand?

“DETROIT — General Motors Corp. (GM), which issued a shock profit warning last week and has been losing market share, may phase out one of its weaker car brands if sales fail to meet projections, company Vice Chairman Bob Lutz said Wednesday.”

The two weaker brands mentioned in the press release were Pontiac and Buick.

GM decided a while back to begin phasing the Oldsmobile out gradually. Now, it appears that the automaker, recently criticized for maintaining too many brands, may cut production to another line of autos soon.

What are the ramifications?

Well, let’s say the Pontiac is given a sayonara. That would mean no more Grand Am, Grand Prix, Bonneville, Vibe, Aztek, Montana, or GTO.

Honestly, how many of you could identify all of those cars? I could pick out a Grand Am, familiar through its large numbers. The bizarre Aztek is recognizable. The recently resurrected GTO, competition to the retro Mustang, is an eye catcher.

But realistically, Pontiac could probably disappear without causing too much of a ripple.

On the other hand, Buick could never go away.

Buick, you see, is the official car of the senior citizen!

In my area, there is a nearby retirement community renowned for its plethora of slow-moving LeSabres and Park Avenues, each with a handicapped sticker hanging from the rearview mirror.

Imagine the impact on our current senior generation if Buick went kaput.

Imagine the impact on the legion of baby boomers about to enter their golden years!

So, GM, here’s hoping you don’t have to drop any more brands. But if you do, remember, there are a lot of current and soon to be old timers out there. Hands off the Buick!

Michael Jackson, middle-ager

“March 22, 2005— Michael Jackson's doctor has assured the judge presiding over his child molestation trial that "The King of Pop" is suffering from a physical, not a mental, problem, and that despite his back problems and the revelation that he is on prescribed pain medication, the singer is able to concentrate and participate in his trial, sources told ABC News.”

You know, I can relate to Michael Jackson.

You see, he’s 46, a year older than myself. And I know how the old back can act up after years of feeling invincible.

And, sad to say, age starts showing up in other areas, too. For instance, contact lenses are pretty much out of the question nowadays. I would have to put on reading glasses to see anything closer than two feet.

Not only that, but my face has enough wrinkles that if an astronomer saw a photograph of it, he might excitedly mistake it for conclusive proof of water erosion on the surface of Mars.

Yep, maybe Michael and I aren’t so different.

Of course, I never paid plastic surgeons to take my natural nose and turn it into . . . well, how would YOU describe Jacko’s schnozz?

And there’s that skin-bleaching thing. I used to be really self-conscious about my lily-white April complexion when I would first start running around in shorts each year. I was eager to get a bit of tan to take some of the shine off (Of course, being 45, I don’t give a rip ANYMORE!). So I just can’t relate to any middle-aged physical problems that might arise due to THAT particular procedure.

So, here’s to growing old, the one common denominator shared by all. Everyone does it, from bald-headed columnists to artificially-enhanced pop stars under criminal investigation.

What can fix baseball's mess

“WASHINGTON (AP) -- Former White House drug czar Barry McCaffrey is urging Major League Baseball to adopt Olympic standards for drug testing and punishment. ‘You cannot have the chickens guarding the coop. Baseball always has and still does,’ McCaffrey said Monday. ‘Baseball and all professional sports need to adopt the same anti-drug principles we pressed for in the Olympics -- outside year-round random testing with accountability, openness and independence.’”

Ain’t it a shame that the government has to get involved with baseball?

You have to admit, though, McCaffrey has a point. If Barry Bonds had been submitted to random drug tests over the last five years, there would be no doubt as to the legitimacy of his home run records. Instead, we have an arrogant athlete spouting nonsense at press conferences who, when and if he breaks gentlemanly Henry Aaron’s career record, will have an asterisk (whether figurative or literal) permanently etched by his name.

Baseball’s popularity has been on the downslide for many years. The drug use rumors certainly aren’t helping its case.

Here are three steps that will help bring baseball back to its former popularity:

(1) Random year-round drug tests, as per Mr. McCaffrey’s suggestion. These would take place on ALL professional players, from the Rookie League to the Majors.

(2) A revenue-sharing plan akin to that of the NFL. There are twenty or more serious contenders to win the Super Bowl each year. Baseball has perhaps ten with a shot at winning the World Series. Spreading the wealth around would force the Yankees to EARN their crowns, not BUY them. Small-market teams would be contenders, not extended minor league franchises for the Big Boys.

(3) Baseball is a traditional sport. Ditch the DH and interleague play. Let pitchers show what athletes they truly are, and let the World Series have an air of mystery about it, as fans watch teams compete who have not faced each other in regulation.

Will this happen? Probably not. Baseball’s clueless management have long thought that they had to jazz up the game with goofy innovations, whether 60 + home runs from the sluggers in microscopic parks, or Astroturf, or polyester glo-color uniforms.

It’s a great game. Just let it be so.

Bobby Knight back in the Sweet Sixteen

Well, Bobby Knight is back in the Sweet Sixteen for the first time since 1994.

Knight, who left in disgrace after falling out of favor in Indiana with his bad temper and strict discipline, took a Texas Tech team that was used to losing and turned them into a regular invitee to the Big Dance.

Why is Bobby Knight such a reviled/loved character?

He’s like the Dallas Cowboys.

Do you know any football fans who don’t have an opinion about the Dallas Cowboys? I didn’t think so.

The Cowboys are the most loved team in pro football. They are also the most hated.

Bobby Knight is the same among football coaches.

True, Knight has done some things that are entirely out of line. Ranting fits are never appropriate, neither is punching or choking a player.

But Bobby Knight is a fierce believer in players winning AND graduating. To increase graduation rates, he wants the NCAA to adopt this rule: Revoke a team scholarship for every player who doesn't graduate within five years. Graduating’s importance has been greatly downplayed by more than a few “successful” coaches. The Cincinnati and Arkansas programs have drawn heat for their recent dismal graduation rates in the middle of winning lots of basketball games

Who dislikes Bobby Knight? People who don’t cater to strict discipline. People who think there is a diplomatic solution to all dilemmas. People who dumb down schoolbooks, because they feel it’s more important for a kid to have self-esteem than to actually learn.

So the draconian Knight is certainly not everyone’s cup of tea.

But as long as chairs are not being thrown across basketball courts or players are not being choked, he’s mine.

Hollywood celebrity murder trial deja vu

“LOS ANGELES - Actor Robert Blake was acquitted of killing his wife four years ago because the state simply didn't make its case, jurors said, citing flimsy evidence and a pair of unbelievable witnesses.”

A famous celebrity is arrested after the death of his wife in a much-publicized case.

The actor (I guess he is still acting. I haven’t seen him in anything in twenty years) was arrested to the accompaniment of many television cameras. The prosecutors confidently predicted a speedy conviction. The defense called the trial a farce, and predicted acquittal. Months stretched to years before the trial finally wound down to a surprise verdict: not guilty. A lawyer for the victim’s family immediately announced a civil suit against the accused murderer that would finally bring justice.

WE’VE SEEN THIS MOVIE ALREADY!

I sort of fell out of the habit of watching the news a couple of years back (it was in the middle of the media making it clear that the legality/illegality of gay marriage was the most important issue mankind has ever faced), so I must have missed the helicopter-filmed chase scene where Blake was apprehended. I am assuming he was in a gray 1962 Buick being driven by close friend and pimp Rooster, accompanied by a cockatoo named Fred.

In addition, my news hiatus prevented me from seeing much of the trial. Once again, I am operating under the assumption that much discussion took place over Bruno Magli shoes, and that Mr. Blake tried on a pair of gloves that didn’t appear to fit. I am also guessing that The Tonight Show featured regular appearances by the Dancing Schempps (as in judge Darlene Schempp, not the Stooge by the similar name).

Anyhow, here’s wishing Blake the best of luck in finding the real killer of his wife. He did say he would be doing that, right?

Congess investigates drug use in baseball WITHOUT Barry Bonds' testimony

“The Government Reform Committee gave baseball a Monday deadline for producing information about its drug-testing program, including test results with the names of players removed.”

Let me get this straight. Congress is investigating whether or not baseball is infected with steroid use.

Baseball, whose players’ union has long forbid the random drug testing of its members.

Oh well, at least we’ll confirm or deny whether Barry Bonds, long associated with accused steroid-dealing outfit BALCO, is in fact a regular user of the dangerous and illegal performance enhancer.

What’s that? Barry Bonds wasn’t invited to the hearing?

Of course. CONGRESS is investigating drug use in baseball.

Additionally, it was announced that Congress would be investigating whether easy-to-obtain credit cards contribute to bankruptcies. Nobody from Visa or Mastercard was invited.

A further investigation would be looking into whether lawyers being allowed to advertise in newspapers, TV, phone books, magazines, billboards, and toilet walls contributes to the increase in lawsuits. No members of the legal or advertising businesses were invited.

And in yet another announcement, Congress will be investigating whether or not the Pope is Catholic. Neither the Pope, nor any other members of the Catholic church were invited to the proceedings.

Actually, there may be good reasons for Barry Bonds being skipped as a provider of testimony.

The little-loved-outside-of-San Francisco Bonds was quoted in a recent interview as saying “I don't know what cheating is.”

In addition, when asked directly whether he had used illegal performance-enhancing drugs in his remarkable recent years of home run hitting, he replied "I'm not a child. You repeat those things to children and then eventually they tell you. I don't."

So maybe Congress is smart in not inviting him to the hearings.

They likely couldn’t get an intelligible answer from him.

Baby boomers and Social Security

“NEW YORK (CNN/Money) - Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan told Congress that the mounting financial pressure of a wave of retiring baby boomers is so great that cuts in future government retirement benefits are all but inevitable.”

Well, that’s just great.

I’m on the wazoo end of being a baby boomer, just barely qualifying.

I know, baby boomers are defined as being the population explosion caused by the ending of WWII, which apparently caused massive celebrating among married couples, to the tune of a whole new generation’s being suddenly generated.

However, I define a baby boomer as someone who was born after 1945, but who remembers JFK getting shot.

I was four, and that was my first lucid memory.

Anyhoo, in 2008, 25% of our population will be 65. That’s when the benefits have to be cut, or taxes raised, according to His Greenspanness.

See where that puts Yours Truly?

I’ll have to have my taxes raised to pay Social Security benefits. I’ll pay the ever-climbing taxes until approximately 2025, when I turn 65.

By then, the benefits will likely be phased out.

That’s okay, though. I have an “ace in the hole.”

You see, I have looked into this country club prison thing.

White-collar criminals get three square meals a day, adequate recreation, a warm and/or cool place to sleep, depending on the climate, plenty of books to read, I could go on.

Sounds like a pretty nice life to me.

I’d better plan my white-collar crime soon, though.

I’m afraid there will be quite a rush in about ten years.

Jennifer Lopez and her "private" private life

“Jennifer Lopez: No more 'soap opera'
Singer and actress wants to keep private life private”

Celebrities. You gotta love ‘em.

"I don't want to talk about anything that is personal or private at all, because what's the use? You're open with people, and then they try and make a soap opera out of your life," Lopez said in an interview with The Associated Press, according to CNN.com.

Well, J-Lo, I’ll tell you what. If fame is such a drag, and if you don’t want the press talking about you and making your life a soap opera, here’s some advice:

STAY OUT OF THE LIMELIGHT!

I mean, come on. What is it that 99.9% of celebrities crave more than life itself? ATTENTION!

So, suppose we, the public, give you what you seek. Suppose we turn a deaf ear to your latest dating exploits and bizarre barely-there outfits that you proudly parade before TV cameras at social events. Suppose we bypass the next People with you and your latest hunk emblazoned on the cover.

What’s going to happen? Do you suppose your popularity will WANE?

There are real artistic geniuses out there who can walk into the supermarket without being recognized. Why? Because they truly keep their private life private. What’s the price they pay? Their popularity may be limited to their real fans, not the shallow masses who crave a glimpse of skin or an Entertainment Tonight vignette.

In other words, Van Morrison sells fewer albums that Jennifer Lopez. Mary Steenburgen can’t command the astronomical movie salaries that Jennifer Lopez can.

So, here’s hoping that your move towards a “private” private life works out for you, J-Lo. You're going to have to rely on your actual talent. I hope you can deal with the drop in income.

Apple's shameful lawsuit against their blogging fans

“A California judge ruled on Friday that Apple Computer could force bloggers to turn over e-mails from their sources inside the company, which leaked sensitive information about Apple's new products.”

My, my, how things have changed.

Apple used to be known as the cutting razor edge of technology. Early incarnations like the Apple II, the Lisa, and the Apple III sparked lots of consumer interest, certainly enough to make for black entries in the books. The Macintosh turned the world on its ear, and made home computing, long promised, a legitimate and affordable option.

Of course, we all know what happened next. IBM paved the way for personal computers to be clones of Big Blue itself, opening the doors to an opportunist named Bill Gates. Apple saw its market share start to slide, eventually turning into a landslide that threatened the company’s existence.

Through it all, Apple’s fans were the most rabid in the computing world. Commodore, Atari, and Sinclair had their nostalgic buffs who kept the dreams alive, but APPLE fans were the ones you didn’t mess with! Just write something less than complimentary about Apple, and watch out! The loyal would make your posterior look like a well-done rump roast.

Now, the tide has turned for the Apple empire. The iPod, the iMac, and the Mac Mini are major hits, and Windows users weary of being hacked, worm-exploited, and spyware-infected are buying Apples in droves.

Through it all, the good and the bad, the fans have supported their beleaguered company.

How are they rewarded?

With a lawsuit for “leaking” “confidential” product info.

Mr. Jobs, THAT is exactly what your fans have done FOR YEARS! Up until now, it has been to your company’s benefit. The alleged leaks that you are so furiously pursuing apparently did no harm whatsoever to Apple, in fact they probably just whetted consumer appetites, contributing to (all together now) HIGHER PROFITS!

Steve, you should be ashamed of the legal action that is ensuing. PUT A STOP TO IT!

Russell Crowe's kidnapping and our culture's demise

“SYDNEY, Australia — Russell Crowe says Usama bin Laden's Al Qaeda terror network wanted to kidnap him as part of a "cultural destabilization plot," according to an Australian magazine.”

OK, let me get this straight.

Russell Crowe’s kidnapping would culturally destabilize us?

Yikes, the mammoth size of the Hollywood ego.

I happen to be a Russell Crowe fan. I thought A Beautiful Mind was a great movie, and, despite the fact that its ending is no longer a surprise, it bears up to repeated watchings. That’s the sign of the greatest movies.

But his kidnapping would destabilize our culture?

Here are a few names of folks whose kidnappings would REALLY have an impact:

Neil Young The man is still rocking and producing quality music in his sixties. His most recent release of Greendale shows he has lots more greatness in him.

George Foreman The former heavyweight champion has become a cultural icon. He has spurned his irresponsible dietary habits, and has turned the public on to fat-free cooking. He’s inspiring all of us to live longer and healthier.

Randy Quaid Now, no offense to Mr. Crowe, but how many movie roles has he played that caused people to say “Nobody but Russell Crowe could have played that part.” The fact is that if you’re looking for a good-natured redneck guy with more facets than a diamond, you’re going to hire Billy Bob Thornton if it’s a serious part, or Randy Quaid if it’s for laughs. The man is a genius among geniuses, and could conceivably bring down our culture with his untimely disappearance.

Billy Bob Thornton Same comments as for Randy Quaid, only not quite so funny, and more appealing to left-wingers.

So, Mr. Crowe, perhaps you feel that culture would be upended by your disappearance, but I respectfully make a case that there are those whose effect upon society is greater than yours.

Those poor oil sheiks

“March 8 (Bloomberg) -- Crude oil surged to within $1 of an all-time high in New York, and gasoline rose to a record, on speculation that OPEC will do little to rein in prices at a meeting next week.”

This really burns my wazoo.

So, I called His Royal Highness, Sheik Ali Gotta Makealot of Dinero, a small but wealthy community just north of Riyadh, Saudi Arabia.

“Sheik, why can’t OPEC get together and reign in prices? Can’t you guys see that plunging the world into another recession would cut into your profits a lot more than a reasonable production increase would?”

“American infidels have been getting gasoline far below its market value for many years. After all, you’re paying half of what fuel costs in Europe.”

“Well, it’s not just Americans who suffer. After all, European prices are skyrocketing, as well.”

“Well, what you decadent western hedonists don’t realize is that life isn’t so cushy for us hard-working oil barons. After all, our gas prices have gone up too! I just paid 50 cents a gallon to fill my Rolls. FIFTY CENTS A GALLON!”

“I remember the first time I paid fifty cents a gallon. It was 1973.”

“Not only that, but we don’t make THAT MUCH profit. My swimming pools are going to pot because I can’t afford to hire college-educated caretakers. I have to settle for a small troupe of IMMIGRANTS. From PAKISTAN!”

“That’s a shame, sheik. You know, you’ve really changed my perspective on things. I feel your pain!”

I think I’ll ride my bicycle to work tomorrow.

Milk: it does nobody good

“A new study published in the March issue of the journal 'Pediatrics' indicates that dairy foods such as milk have little to do with the development of strong bones in children and young adults. The study was conducted by the Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine.”

Oh, great. After telling my mom all those years that milk tasted terrible, and in fact wasn’t making me bigger or stronger, and her not listening, I am finally vindicated.

I realize that there are lots of fans of milk out there. Hey, to each his own.

But I grew up having to dump Nestle’s Quik into glasses of the bovine excretion in order to force it down.

When I first went to school, I was greeted with the dreadful news that I would be forced to drink milk three times a day (in those little flat-topped cartons, remember them?). That, on top of having to sit quietly for most of the day, made me decide early on that school was not going to be one of my favorite things.

And what did I have to drink first thing when I arrived home from school each day? That’s right, more milk.

And now, medical research finally backs me up.

Strangely enough, I raised two kids who LOVE milk. The boy is 6’2”, the girl is likewise tall for her age and gorgeous.

Maybe you have to LIKE milk for it to work its wonders.

I wonder if the members of the Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine hate milk as much as I did?

Justice served on Martha Stewart

Martha Stewart was released from prison under house arrest on March 4, 2005.

At last, justice is served on a famous personality.

After all, Martha learned the hard way that she is not above the law, that despite her celebrity status, she has to pay for her illegal insider trading.

I hate to be too hard on her, seeing the disastrous effects her incarceration must have had on her own corporation, Martha Stewart Living. I mean, the fact she did hard time for illegally dumping shares of another company’s stock must have permanently damaged the public’s view of her company, resulting in its stock tumbling . . .

What’s that? The stock TRIPLED in value while she was in prison? She is now much wealthier than when she began her sentence? In fact, she is now a billionaire? Oh . . .

Well, that doesn’t change the fact that she is now a convicted felon. Unfair as it may be, the fact that someone did hard time in the joint has a very harsh effect on people’s perception of them afterward.

Sadly, Ms. Stewart likely will now have to remove herself from the limelight, the shame of appearing before the public being more than she, or anyone, could handle. . .

I’m sorry, could you repeat that? She will star in a revival of her daily homemaking show as well as her version of NBC's The Apprentice while writing a magazine column and running her empire?

Er . . . well, crime doesn’t pay anyway. Just ask Martha, or any gangster rapper with an arrest record, or any movie star caught doing drugs, or . . . oh, never mind.

The Daring Airborne Elderly

“SALINA, Kan. Mar 3, 2005 — Millionaire adventurer Steve Fossett, 60, on Thursday became the first person to fly around the world solo without stopping or refueling 67 hours and 23,000 miles after taking off in his spindly-looking, experimental jet.”

Yet another senior citizen does something spectacular involving flight.

Less than a year ago, 63-year-old Mike Melvill flew his SpaceShipOne rocket into space (and history).

To my utter astonishment, I didn’t stay young forever. I’m in my mid-forties now, dealing with high blood pressure, a hip that is paying me back for all of those sports I used to recklessly engage in, and a face with enough wrinkles to look like it has worn out three bodies.

However, I have kept one part of my body young through intense exercise: my brain.

My employer insists upon two weeks of IT training for each staff member every year. That means that I have to clear my mind and spend a week at a time tackling extremely technical subjects. Most recently, I went to Dallas for Linux server administration.

True, it’s not daredevil flying, but cramming knowledge into my 45-year-old head about subjects like software installation, user permissions management, and fixing corrupted system files forces me to get back to the basics of schoolwork: after-school study, the taking of notes, and practicing what I learn.

What I really enjoy is that fact that these week-long technical classes, while dominated by youngsters who don’t remember President Carter, invariably have students there who are ten, twenty or more years my senior.

So maybe we aging Boomers aren’t all making the evening news, but many of us are still working hard at keeping that most complicated muscle that is the brain limber.

Who knows? Maybe I’ll take up flying myself when I grow up.

Bill Gates, World's Geekiest Knight

"LONDON, England (AP) -- Proclaiming himself "humbled and delighted," Microsoft founder Bill Gates has received an honorary knighthood from Queen Elizabeth II."

Well, Bill (and the CNN.com article specifically said I don't have to call you Sir Bill), hats off to you.

I am a fierce proponent of Linux. This sets me at odds with His Gatesness. However, there are several sides to this man who so vigorously opposes the principle and practice of open-source software.

If Gates hadn't revolutionized home computing, someone else would have. Is he abusing his position as the most powerful individual in the software industry?

Microsoft’s draconian practice of forcing system updates upon those who have not yet volunteered for XP SP2 rubs many the wrong way, myself included. In addition, its relentless pursuit of software pirates has made XP and the most recent releases of Office very difficult systems to deal with.

You see, adding or replacing too much hardware forces you to call Redmond to get permission to proceed.

And that, folks, rubs independent spirits like myself the wrong way.

Add to that the fact that tech support personnel (again, like myself) now will deal with XP’s seriously side-affected security patches whether we want to or not, and well . . . you get the picture.

However, there is another side to the geeky royal.

The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation has donated astronomical sums of money to charitable causes worldwide. It has single-handedly built libraries, donated classroom computer systems, and helped the needy more than nearly any individual foundation in the last few years.

So, Your Highness, congrats on your title. You’ve earned it through your generosity.

I’m going to feel bad when the open-source movement makes expensive yet security-plagued operating systems obsolete.

NOT!

Michael Jackson's Defense Strategy

We as a society have grown accustomed to certain events taking place every few years. For instance, the Olympics. Presidential elections. Dallas Cowboys arrests. And, of course, Michael Jackson trials.

Michael Jackson has undergone about as many transformations as Sam Beckett (that’s the Quantum Leap guy, for all you who didn’t watch the tube before reality TV raised its ugly head). He went from cute kid with a big voice to a disco-spinning teenager to an allegedly religious young adult to his present incarnation: a whacko that sticks out far and above the rest of the whackos in southern California.

(OK, before the hate mail begins, I was a California resident myself for four years. And yes, I know Santa Barbara isn’t technically southern California. But it’s on the border, and it rolls off the tongue better than southern central coast California.)

Anyhoo, Jackson’s attorneys have been busy accusing the mother of the child in question of being a sponge looking to make some bucks off of a celebrity. Jackson, the innocent victim in this ruse, will surely deserve an apology after this obvious miscarriage of justice results in a complete acquittal.

I guess that’s not a bad strategy. But is it the best defense tactic?

What about questioning the woman’s sanity?

You see, she is the one who allowed her child to stay over at Michael’s house in the first place. Did she really think Neverland was a haven for children? Did she really view MJ as a gentle teddy-bear of a guy who would take good care of any kids left in his loving charge? Did she not foresee any problems leaving her tot with someone who bleached his skin, dangled his baby off a railing, and has had so much plastic surgery that his features are detachable?

No doubt about it, the gal is loony tunes.

Oscars, etc.

Well, the world is simply ABUZZ over the Oscars (yeah, right).

Hollywood's big celebration of the ego and its accompanying bizarre compulsion to spend vast amounts of money on really dopey looking outfits took place Sunday night, with the usual collection of surprises, tears, aimlessly rambling acceptance speeches, snubbed veterans, and airing of political stances.

I wasn't initially going to write about the Oscars, but I found a Yahoo! article about ancient Peruvian figures being discovered on a mountainside, and the mention of ancient figures naturally made me think of surprise winner Clint Eastwood.

The venerable actor/director scored big with his movie Million Dollar Baby, which is about a female boxer who dies, or something.

I haven't seen the movie because it doesn't have Kevin Costner, Jack Nicholson, or Denzel Washington in it. Plus, I hate movies where people die at the end (unless they are REALLY ANNOYING, like in Beaches).

Additionally, I would never watch a movie in a theater. I mean come on, pay 10 bucks to sit in a smelly room with sticky floors for two hours while some idiot with a laser pointer draws circles around people's eyes on the screen?

No, I prefer to wait until the movie has been out for a while, say ten years. Then, you can get it out of the dollar-for-a-week bin at the DVD rental place.

So anyhow, congrats to the winners, my outrage at the injustice to the losers, and Clint, here's hoping you're still around making movies in ten years, when I finally get around to seeing Million Dollar Baby. Any chance Jack Nicholson could star in your next flick?